In Cold Blood

Having recently become concerned about the volume of insect repellent my lungs are filtering every day due to my manic determination to destroy mosquitoes before they destroy me, I have decided to ‘go natural’ and try to hone my manual killing skills instead. The following is a report on the various techniques I have recently employed and mastered (to a certain degree) in order to fight my flying foe.

Review of the author’s contribution to the global mosquito massacre

Also known as ‘Winged Virus Bringers of Doom’ and ‘Crepuscular Warriors of Satan’ (citation needed), mosquitoes have plagued mankind since its very beginning.

There are many methods by which one can extinguish these flying disease vectors. One of the most popular among novices is the ‘Landing Creep Smack Technique©’. It is essential to remember that while inherently stupid, mosquitoes do have a very fast reaction and take-off speed - around 0-80mph in 0.02 seconds I believe (figures not based on actual fact) and therefore some level of stealth is required when employing this method. Whilst very effective once mastered, this technique is much more difficult than it may seem and is therefore not recommended for complete beginners. It is also worth remembering that this method can leave behind a somewhat messy residue on one’s walls.

My own preferred method is the ‘Applause Technique©’. Developed by myself, it uses what I call The Method of Joyful Departure; what better way to die than to the sound of rapturous applause? This technique is for use when faced with more than one opponent of the flying variety and is, in my opinion, the most efficient and least time consuming of the known techniques, one round being sufficient to destroy up to three mosquitoes. However it can take time to perfect - one must learn to find one’s own inner silence before commencing the onslaught. It is essential to be at one with oneself in order to gain the reaction speed necessary and to avoid unnecessary hand soreness from over clapping.

Other techniques include ‘Stun and Stamp©’, for use when the Applause Technique fails. It is very easy to lose concentration when in the required state of intensity for the aforementioned technique, and when this happens one may find that the clap fails to completely envelop the target. In such an instance as this, the creature is not destroyed, but merely deafened and stunned and will fall to the ground momentarily only to take off again a few moments later. Haste is vital here. The beast is likely to be embarrassed and angered by its ungraceful landing, and will immediately begin plotting a campaign of violent retribution towards the applauder if allowed to live. Therefore it is essential to deliver the stamp within the stun period to avoid unnecessary blood loss on the part of the clapper.

Highly effective but somewhat less hygienic is the ‘Curtain Crush©’. The peripheral perception of a mosquito is second to none, a factor which makes the Land Creep Smack technique so difficult to master. However, despite arguments to the contrary, it has been proven that mosquitoes do not have x-ray vision. Therefore, if one should rest its weary wings on your curtain, or indeed on any fabric, it is possible to slide one’s hand behind the fabric, out of view of the mosquito and then either crush up the landing area or incorporate the Applause or Stun and Stamp technique.

One must of course use one’s discretion with all these techniques. There is no hard and fast way to ensure slaughter. But with time and practice this writer truly believes that anyone is capable of bringing about their own mosquito massacre.